How to Monster Proof Your Home

Feeling secure in your home is one of the most important aspects of an enjoyable life. You don’t want to worry about vampires, werewolves, ghosts or the boogeyman coming to get you, but yet that’s something that creeps into the back of our mind from time to time. Like when you’re home alone on a stormy night. Or you hear something go bump in the night. We can try and convince ourselves there are no such things as monsters, but in the back of our minds we know that’s not the case. To help put your mind at ease and assist you in evading even the most cunning of undesirable guests, we’ve compiled a few tips to help make a monster proof home:

Feeling secure in your home is one of the most important aspects of an enjoyable life. You don’t want to worry about vampires, werewolves, ghosts or the boogeyman coming to get you, but yet that’s something that creeps into the back of our mind from time to time. Like when you’re home alone on a stormy night or you hear something go bump in the night? We can try and convince ourselves there are no such things as monsters, but deep down we know that’s not the case.

To help put your mind at ease and assist you in evading even the most cunning of undesirable guests, we’ve compiled a few tips to help make a monster proof home:

Table salt can be your best defense.

Invest in large bags of salt
Salt is used to help preserve lots of things, but few people realize it can help preserve your life from the likes of vampires and vengeful spirits or ghosts. Your basic table salt is known in folklore to be a repellent of evil. In fact ancient mythological tales share how evil spirits cannot cross over lines of salt because they are required to count ever single grain before entering. Since that’s an impossible task, you’ll want to have plenty of salt on hand and if seven seasons of Supernatural have taught me anything it’s that you can line your home’s doorway and window sills with salt to prevent the unwanted from entering the premises. Not only is this an effective home protection measure, but it’s quite affordable too.

Decorate with religious items throughout the house
Monsters of all shapes and sizes don’t tend to like religious objects. Whether it be crucifixes, holy water or talisman, it’s a safe bet that a religious object can help ward the bad guys off. Try having a religious element as a decorative piece in every room of the house for easy access in the case of emergency.

No monsters can hide under this bed.

Sleep on a platform bed
Every 6 year old knows the number one place for monsters to hide is under the bed. So what’s the best way to prevent monster from hiding there? Eliminate under the bed as a hiding place! Outfit your bedrooms with platform beds that have a solid base around it so there’s no room for the boogeyman to reside. It’s the simplest way to deal with all those lurking creature types.

Get a fireplace
Even more than religious symbols, monsters hate fire. It works on vampires, werewolves, zombies and even deer ticks (don’t even think of trying to say they’re not monsters). A home with a fireplace doesn’t just create ambiance, warmth and a winter weather gathering place. It also provides a great sense of security. Keep a large wooden stick nearby so that if monsters do get through your initial line of defenses, you have an accessible torch nearby that can be used instantaneously.

Old books seem to have the answers.

Own a set of ancient books
From Buffy to Angel to Grimm, every monster-related show has needed a set of ancient books to help solve for monster problems. Evidently, no one has taken the time to digitize these old texts and put them online. Maybe it’s because most of the time they’re in Latin, but in any case it wouldn’t be a bad idea to head out to your local garage sale or local library and see if you can’t get your hands on some really old, leather-bound books as they’re often the only source that can deal with the most absurd of monster issues.

Buy a treadmill
Let’s be honest. You just have to be faster than the next slowest person to evade a monster attack. Invest in a treadmill and use it regularly.

Yuma, AZ

Live in Yuma, Arizona
When are monster least likely to bother you? When the sun is out of course. Have you ever heard of the boogeyman attacking in the sunlight? We know vampires don’t. Never seen a werewolf do that either. So why live in Yuma, AZ? Well it’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most amount of sunlight in a year. The sun shines in Yuma 4,174 hours of the year making it the least likely place for monsters to want to reside.

So there you have it. Just a few tips to monster proof your home and keep your mind at ease during those dark, rainy nights. Some other ideas to consider include: don’t get a home with a basement, don’t live in the woods and refrain from saying “I’ll be right back” when there are thunderstorms.

Note: Coldwell Banker Real Estate in no way guarantees that these steps will prevent actual monster attacks. We’re pretty sure they can help, but in life there are rarely any guarantees. Good luck out there. 

 

Images courtesy of Flickr users SoraZG,  Parker Michael Knight, & Lin Pernille Photography and CasualHomeFurnishings.com

Husband. Father. Socializer. Mets Lifer. TV Afficianado. Consumer Engager.

David Marine is the Vice President of Brand Engagement for Coldwell Banker where he oversees the brand’s content strategy including acting as managing editor for the Coldwell Banker blog and heading up video production efforts. While Vice President by day, David runs a three ring circus at night as he is the father of 4 boys. He also happens to be married to Wonder Woman. True story.

  • Heather Ostrom

    Thanks for the cheat sheet and “Go Yuma!” … Sometimes we needed to be reminded of the Buffy basics that most monster issues can be solved at the library and with old books (and a friend named Willow, doesn’t hurt either) ~ Favorite line: “Buy a Treadmill” … after all, you never know when you might have to go “Shane” on the person in front of you. ~ Thanks for the giggle, errr … I mean “help” this morning.

    • http://twitter.com/david_marine David Marine

      A friend named Willow or Giles is key. Thanks for the comments Heather!

  • Guest

    I’m so glad I invested all that time into watching Buffy, Angel, Supernatural and now Grimm — I am good to go should the big bad attack

    • http://twitter.com/david_marine David Marine

      And who said watching too much TV wasn’t educational? LOL. Thanks for the comment.

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